Awards Time (Finally)

After a month-long celebration of our first Division V title, it's finally time to hand out season honors for your champion Herald-Whig Demons.

Once again, the voting committee is a committee of one - DOB. We'll do this much like we did last year.

Now, on to the show:

Least Valuable Player

Diamond Dave. If he got a new Demons jersey, he should give it back. We saw the guy once this year. He took up a roster spot for a more deserving player.

Hopefully, the Weamster takes a good, hard look at the roster and decides to get rid of some of the dead weight that never shows up. We have a title to defend next year and can't have any Demon wanna-bes populating the roster.

2006 Winner: Grape Ape

Play of the Year

Leave it up to the Cooler Boyz to make DOB into a hero.

Let's take the way back to July 12, shall we? That night, we had the first-ever pickoff in the history of Division V - no - in the history of Quincy Park District slow-pitch softball.

With two outs and a runner on first in the third inning at Wavering, one of the Cooler Boyz decided to float away from first base after one of his teammates had just whiffed at an offering by Grape Ape. Making like Yadier Molina, DOB noticed the transgression and fired a BB down to first base. The offending Cooler Boy was out by a mile and history was made.

You see, you can't steal in Division V play. The Cooler Boy had no reason to run since his teammate came as close to hitting the ball as the Weamster did to making a diving catch later in the game (or about 10 feet away).

The first base ump was stunned that he had to call someone out on such a play. He was even more shocked that he had to explain the play to the Cooler Boyz for the next inning and a half.

God bless the Cooler Boyz.

2006 Winner: Ed (the infamous self-inflicted wedgie)

Demons Rookie of the Year

Through the first half of the season, this award was Jim Dandy's to lose. Then he stopped showing up to games. Must have been the whole Cubs pennant race that distracted him from playing.

But the guy who was there from start to finish in his first season as a Demon was Jazzy Jeff. He proved his worth at the plate and on the mound, pitching a gem when Grape Ape was out and the Weamster was vacationing in Marblehead.

The only guy on the team without a Demons jersey. Jazzy certainly earned the right to one, which we should take away from some people who never showed this year. But I think the Fubu 07 shirt worked just fine. Bring it back in 08!!!!

2006 Winner: Shawny

Outing of the Year

He only pitched one inning, but DOB proved that he can do it all in the season finale against Uncle Bob's. He didn't give up a run and earned the win as the Demons broke open the champagne later that night in a celebration that won't soon be forgotten.

Yes, DOB was lobbing up meatballs to the plate and his defense (except for Marky Mark) bailed him out, but Oh, what an inning it was. DOB's firts ever inning pitched and he was fantastic.

2006 Winner: The Weamster (for his mastery of league champ Best Kept Lawns)

The Ed Sprague Memorial Bonehead Play of the Year

They were actually plays (and didn't really cost us since we won the game), but Kriss Kross morphed into Ed for one game against DT Tattoo. (I've also felt the need to name this award after the dearly departed Ed.)

Kriss Kross made a pair of terrible plays in the outfield, dropping two fly balls for an E-10 each time. Even the Weamster played better in the outfield than Kriss Kross that night. At least Kriss Kross had the foresight to pull himself out the game and drink for the rest of the game after the terrible meltdown.

"You got outplayed by your brother tonight," Shawny told Kriss Kross after the game.

That may be the quote of the year.

2006 Winner: The Weamster (for breaking his hand during a blowout loss to Snap-On Tools)

Most Improved Player

This one was an easy pick. He was part of the bottom of the order last season, but a steady season at the dish meant a steady move up the Demons' lineup for Nick the Quick.

He might not have the power, but he showed an uncanny ability to put the ball where the defense wasn't this year and was a key part of the Demons' championship run.

Nick the Quick also showed the ability to make any flyball into an adventure in the outfield, but he caught more than his missed.

2006 Winner: DOB

Most Valuable Player

Who else but Shawny should get this award? No one else on the team was intentionally walked with the bases loaded.

Early in the season, he hit bomb after bomb. As the weather heated up, his power numbers went down, but his production didn't. A perfect No. 4 hitter in Division V, Shawny won't have the inconvience of playing real baseball to retard his slow-pitch softball growth next season.

2006 Winner: Hitman Hart

Until next year, when we dominate Division V again (or even Division IV if the Nazis at the QPD move us up a level.)

CELEBRATION!!!

A look at the night in photos as the H-W Demons celebrated their first-ever Division V championship in the program's illustrious history Thursday night at Wavering Park. The Demons finished with a 10-2 record, the best in club history.

Your boys of summer

Back row (from left): Eric B., Big John Studd, Nick the Quick, Kriss Kross, The Weamster, Hitman Hart, Shawny (with beer), Grape Ape/King Carl, Jazzy Jeff.

Front row (from left): Marky Mark, Rob Base, DOB.

Kriss Kross with something Rueb will never get with the Cooler Boyz - his hands on a first-place trophy!! (Reub, join the Demons next year!!!)

Disillusioned Blues fan Marky Mark with the trophy, which is as close as any Blues fan will get to a championship this year.

I could really be mean in this cutline, but I won't go that route. The Weamster uncorks the victory champagne, which cost him about $1.25.

DOB enjoys a sip of the victory brew as Shawny shows off his Bud Light.

A Cubs fan and a champagne man, Shawny may only get to celebrate the Demons' title if his Cubs don't kick it into gear soon.

Kriss Kross tries his best not to catch any germs that might be on the bottle. Considering his brother, the Weamster, had his grubby hands all over it, that's probably a smooth move.

Is that sweat or beer all over Hitman Hart's shirt. Nice look with the old-school Demons throwback jersey, too.

Nick the Quick debates whether or not taking a swig is a good idea.

Eric B., the best damn lead-off hitter in the league, shows Jazzy Jeff's son how to drink champagne. Teach them young!!!

Can we get Jazzy Jeff a real uni next year. After all the team's front-runner for Rookie of the Year deserves one.

After a perfect night in the field, Rob Base makes sure he doesn't fumble his drink.

Once again, the only way Blues fan Marky Mark is going to celebrate with champagne is with the Demons. He could play wing for the Blues.

The first time Grape Ape has ever been photographed drinking anything other than a frosty Miller Lite.

The sweetest kiss of all!!!

* * *

In Memoriam

Ed, 2005-2006

The H-W Demons would like to dedicate this championship-winning campaign to the dearly departed Ed. He was our inspiration this season. He may not get a playoff share or a Division V championship ring, but he was a key ingredient to the building process that made us into champions.

God bless you, Ed. You are missed.

Game 12: H-W Demons 14, Uncle Bob's 1

There was pretty much no way we were going out like suckas. The men in blue decided not to postpone the inevitable last night at Wavering Park. They decided to award us our first-ever championship trophy before the game even started.

Instead of resting on our laurels, we decided to lay the smack down on Uncle Bob's candy asses. Even though we were clowning around in the field, using a different pitcher every inning, the Uncle Bob's boys - who played us so close in Week 1 - had no answer for the Demons.

Welcome to the rest of Division V's dilemma, boys. No one had the answer on how to slow down the ink-stained heroes of the diamond.

As has been the case for most of the season, the Demons dominated from start to finish. The Demons hit up and down the lineup as Uncle Bob's hurler had trouble finding the zone. It was, as the cliche goes, a total team effort at the plate.

The only way Uncle Bob's could stop DOB was when he made like it was 2005 and hit from the left side and fouled out for the first time this season. DOB was 1 for 2 with a run scored, finishing the season with a .500 batting average (15 for 30) with seven runs scored and 10 RBI.

DOB's highlight was taking the mound for the first time in his slow-pitch softball career and promptly striking out the first batter he faced. DOB did allow an unearned run (thanks Marky Mark), but got out of the inning without much damage. Since DOB was on the mound when the Demons reached the 10-run slaughter rule, it figures that he was the winning pitcher with Grape Ape earning a save.

DOB is now 1-0 lifetime pitching with a 0.00 ERA. He walked one and struck out one. Opponents are hitting .286 against him lifetime (2 for 7). What an inspiring performance.

DOB was Jose Oquendo-like in the field, too. Like the Cardinals' "Secret Weapon" of old, DOB was able to play anywhere on the diamond. In addition to his once-again stellar work behind the plate, he went out and played rover in the outfield and easily handled his only chance. (He forgot to throw his hat off though.)

Really, everyone showed up to hit. Eric B. was steady at the top of the order. Jazzy Jeff did his thing. Kriss Kross had a couple of nicely placed hits to right field. Slump-bustin' Shawny broke out with a couple of seeds.
Hitman Hart was solid as were the Weamster and Nick the Quick. Big John Studd, who shunned the postgame paparazzi, had a couple of nice hits. Marky Mark, Rob Base and Grape Ape also had at least one hit each as we flexed our considerable muscle.

Other than Marky Mark letting down DOB, we were salty in the field, too. It's worth nothing that Rob Base played a flawless right field (who cares no balls were hit out there.)

Here's the rest of the celebration in pictures. I'll log on next week to do the season-ending awards.

One thing about the pictures. Grape Ape wore Chuck Taylors in memory of the departed Ed, but my camera didn't work.

RIP, Ed, you're missed.

Until next week's awards.

Game 11: Merry Beavers 8, H-W Demons 7

We'll have to keep the Cristal on ice for another week.

With a chance to win the franchise's first-ever outright Division V crown, the Demons gagged like Monica Lewinsky on a humid night at Moorman Main against those pesky Beavers.

The Beavers scored a run in the bottom of the seventh - on a sacrifice fly of all things - to hand the Demons their second loss of the season.

All the Beavers could do was play spoiler after they were upset by Phil Craig last week, giving them four losses and knocking them out of title contention. That left DT Tattoo as the only three-loss team in the league. Since the Demons swept DT Tattoo during the regular season, we own the tiebreaker over them. As a result, the Demons have indeed wrapped up the Division V crown no matter what happens next week against Uncle Bob's Bar & Grill.



The Demons would like to go out with a win, which they could have had on Thursday had they played any defense at all. We misplayed two balls in the outfield that led to five Beaver runs. Nick the Quick, playing out of position in left field, misplayed a ball into a three-run inside the park homer. Later, the normally sure-handed Shawny dropped a ball that was over his head in center field, allowing two Beaver runs to score.

We also came up a bit empty in the key hit department as well. With the game tied at 7 in the top of the six and the bases loaded with one outs, Jazzy Jeff flew out to short center field and Kriss Kross popped out to third base to end the threat.

We couldn't mount any threat in the top of the seventh as the Weamster fouled out to end the inning.

In addition to his struggles in the field, Shawny - the undisputed MVP of Division V - struggled at the plate. The bottom of the order kept things alive, but couldn't get any help from the top.

DOB played a flawless catcher, recording another putout, and went 2 for 3 with a run scored to push his batting average back to .500 (14 for 28) with six runs scored and 10 RBI.

Rob Base, hitting last, also had a solid night. In addition to his fielding gaffe, the pressure of hitting third got to Nick the Quick, who had just one hit.

Regardless of whether we win or not next week, we'll have a postgame celebration of our first title. Game time is 8 p.m. at Moorman Main. Bring your beer and your game. We're not going out like punks with a loss.

Until next week.

We are the Champions !!!! (almost)

The mighty Demons don't even play this week and we're winners.

After pestering the Park District for updated Division V standings today, I found out the best news to ever come out of Demons camp ... We've won the Division.

At the very worst your Thursday night heroes will tie for the prestigious Division V crown for the first time in team history. With a 9-1 mark, the Demons have a two-game lead with two games to play. The worst we could do is tie the Merry Beavers and DT Tattoo for the title. We're 3-0 against those teams, which means the Demons are - beyond a shadow of a doubt - the most dominant bunch in Division V.

And if the Tattooists and the Beavers happen to lose on Thursday, we'll have the crown outright before we even step on the field next week. Even if that happens, all we need to do is win one of our final two games to make the title our own.

If there were ever a beer-league softball team to do a TV movie of the week on, it would be the Demons. Just take a look at our history:

Down in the dumps for many years, the Demons just couldn't get over the hump. Time and time again, the leader of this band of merry men - the Weamster - asked DOB to come out and play with the team. Time and time again, he was rebuffed.

Finally, in 2005, DOB gave in and said he'd join the Demons. From the very first game when DOB was nearly thrown out of the game, the Demons have been a different team. They've been a team with attitude. A team with grit. A team that shouldn't be messed with.

Of course, the Demons weren't without their problems. DOB did bring along some dead weight from the newsroom. But just like when the BoSox dumped Nomar and finally won it all, the Demons have turned the corner since kicking their whipping boy, Ed, to the curb.

Who knows how long the Demons' run of dominance will last?

After talking with one of the lords of the Park District today, it's not a sure-fire thing that we'll be bumped up to Division IV next year. But I'm sure the Park District won't want a dynasty like the Demons to run roughshod over the rest of the losers in Division V. There will likely be teams that don't want to come back to the league next year after suffering the wrath of the Demons.

Can't say that I'd blame them either. We're that damn good.

We'll be making plans on how to celebrate our championship next week. Should we pop some Cristal and light some stogies? Or just go with some of Nick the Quick's Keystone Light and bum a couple of cigs off of Marky Mark?

We'll figure it out.

Until next week.

Game 10: Craig Roofing 19, Demons 12

It's true. It's true.

The dream is dead.

Your heroes' dream of an undefeated season came to a screeching halt on a sunny day at dusty Moorman Main. Simply put, we got beat by the better team.

The Roofers hit the ball where we weren't, took advantage of a few Demon fielding miscues early and were never really threatened in snapping the Demons' winning streak at 10 games (dating back to last season.)

It appears we need to win just one of our final two games or have the Beavers lose in order to secure our first ever Division title. (Of course, we might already be sipping some Cristal and smoking some fat victory cigars if the Park District ever updated the damn standings.)

Few Demons were in the mood to celebrate anyway after this whipping. We were down a few troops (Big John Studd, Chuck D and Jim Dandy to name three), but it didn't matter. We hit the ball right too people and didn't have enough to come back.

Even the triumphant return of DOB from the disabled list didn't matter. Jazzy Jeff also gutted it out after injuring himself during last week's win over the Tattooists.

DOB wound up going 2 for 4 in his return, scored once and drove in a run. He's now 12 for 25 with five runs scored and 10 RBI on the season. He also contributed to the line of the night.

The Roofers had a shortstop who was going all out. This guy was diving all over the place for balls, picking up strawberries and scars all over the place. By the time this guy came up for the last time, he had three gaping wounds on his right leg.

So DOB says to him, "You have any more war wounds."

The guy turns to DOB and says, "Just this one."

Then the guy takes off his hat and shows off a huge scar on his head he picked up from Desert Storm.

Seems that the guy fell off a HumVee and suffered a head injury that brought him home early. Luckily the guy laughed off DOB's comment. He's probably some kind of John Rambo green beret and could snap my neck in three seconds.

Nothing else of note happened. We managed to turn two double plays on defense, but our offense flat out stunk for the most part.

All we have left on the schedule are two rainout games. We're off next week and return to Moorman Main at 8 p.m. on Aug. 9. Don't know who our road kill is, and, quite frankly, it doesn't matter.

Maybe if the QPD updates our standings by then we'll know where we stand in regard to our title quest.

Until next time.

Game 9: H-W Demons 16, DT Tattoo 9

Even without their spiritual leader between the white lines, the H-W Demons continued their dominance of Division V at Moorman Main. With DOB out due an knee injury suffered earlier this week during noon ball at the Y, the Demons trudged on and kept their hopes of a dream season alive against a pesky DT bunch.

The Demons put up five spots in the first two innings, held off a Tattoo surge in the middle of the game and put it away with a four-run top of the seventh to push their record to 9-0 and eliminate the Tattooists from the title running, dropping DT to 5-3.

With three games left to play, the Demons have a 2 1/2-game lead on the Merry Beavers depending on what the Beavers (5-2) did in their game Thursday against a tough Uncle Bob's outfit. If Uncle Bob's helped us out, we've clinched at least a tie for the crown and can clinch the title next week.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves before talking about Thursday's festivities. Although there was a lull in the middle innings, the offense was solid again. Shawny continued his torrid hitting, going 4 for 4 with four runs scored from the clean-up spot.

Hitman Hart dumped the losers at the "Footloose" show, where he's playing guitar, and went 3 for 4 with 4 RBI. Nobody puts Rodney in a corner. (I realize that's a "Dirty Dancing" line but aren't all crappy 80s dancing movies the same thing.)

Even though we tripped at home plate twice - Grape Ape and Marky Mark - we survived.

The DT boys had a game plan against Grape Ape: Take as many pitches as possible and hopes he walks everyone. Grape walked six batters, but threw enough meat for them to swing at. He was backed by a rock solid Demons defense. Hitman was solid at short, using all 7 foot, 2 inches of his frame to go up and grab a line drive. He also turned a nice double play to end the second inning.

After filling in miserably for DOB behind the plate (he dropped an easy pop up), the Weamster saved Kriss Kross' bacon in right center field. He made several catches and turned right field into the place where doubles went to die alongside Nick the Quick, who made several catches of his own on a breezy night.

Kriss Kross' suspect play in right-center field (can you say E-10 twice) led to the best line of the night by Shawny.

"You got outplayed by your brother tonight."

Truer words haven't been spoken.

A close second for line of the night goes to the flustered Tattoo member after one of their players was thrown out on a silly base-running play who told Rob Base and I: "This is what's wrong with our team. We have guys who don't come to practice and then complain about why they don't play."

Paging, Allen Iverson.



Thanks for the answer, AI.

By the way, The Demons don't practice. It's really against Division V rules, isn't it?

We'll try to crack the champagne next week when we meet up with Phil Craig Roofing at 6 p.m. at Moorman Main. Barring a setback, DOB should be good to go after a week off. Jazzy Jeff, who injured himself running the bases, could be out and we know we'll be without Chuck D and Big John Studd. Hopefully, we can pull Jim Dandy away from watching his surging Cubs to get him to the park.

Until next week.

Game 8: H-W Demons 12, Cooler Boyz 3

History was made tonight in Division V. For the first time in Quincy Park District Division V history, a player was picked off first base.

God bless the Cooler Boyz.

With two outs and a runner on first in the third inning at Wavering, one of the Cooler Boyz decided to float away from first base after one of his teammates had just whiffed at an offering by Grape Ape. Making like Yadier Molina, DOB noticed the transgression and fired a BB down to first base. The offending Cooler Boy was out by a mile and history was made.

You see, you can't steal in Division V play. The Cooler Boy had no reason to run since his teammate came as close to hitting the ball as the Weamster did to making a diving catch later in the game (or about 10 feet away).

The first base ump was stunned that he had to call someone out on such a play. He was even more shocked that he had to explain the play to the Cooler Boyz for the next inning and a half.

God bless the Cooler Boyz.

Let me get this out of the way. I like the Cooler Boyz, they all seem to be good folk. And they're a great example of nice guys finishing last. They haven't won a game this season and have triumphed just once over the past two summers. It doesn't look like the losing streak is going to end any time soon.

Maybe they'd actually come close to being competitive if they actually knew the rules of baseball. Their captain tried to advance on a ball that Eric B. got a glove one while trying was trying to chase it down in foul territory near third base. But it wasn't just their Cap'n who thought he should have kept running. At least three other Boyz were yelling at him to go to second and were dumbfounded when Cappy was told to go back to home plate to hit. He wound up fouling out on the next pitch, shaking his head on the way back to the dugout.

God bless the Cooler Boyz.

How bad was it for the Cooler Boyz? They were tied with the mighty, first-place Demons 2-2 and got the first two batters in the third inning out. I had said something in the third-base coaches box about it not being our night.

Their third-baseman, Rakers, looks at me and says, "You guys have played us enough, you know how it's going to turn out."

He was right. We broke things open in the fourth inning with seven runs and cruised to our eighth straight win of the season. Nearly everybody contributed to the win. Everyone except Kriss Kross, who struggled against his Cooler co-workers. After playing one of his best games of the season last week, Kriss Kross struggled.

Grape Ape was dominant on the mound. He kept the Cooler Boyz guessing most of the night and even got a strikeout looking. Grape also enticed two foul outs to DOB behind the plate. DOB ripped his hat off both times to make solid plays. If there were a Division V all-star game, DOB would no doubt be the catcher on that team for his prowess. (He's no Mike Piazza though. He went 1 for 4 with an RBI and a run scored. He's now 10 for 21 with four runs scored and nine RBI.)

DOB even had imitators in the field late in the game as Shawny ripped off his cap while running down a ball in left field.

Props to Rob Base for showing up on the day his nuts got cut off. No more Baby Momma drama for him (and he continued to improve his BPG - beers per game - average).

God bless the Cooler Boyz.

For Christmas, I think we should all pitch in and get the Boyz a rulebook for them to read up on. Some extra players wouldn't hurt either. They only have two players on that team - Rueb and the shortstop. It ain't easy going 2 on 10 every week. Not even the best porn stars could do that and live.

At 8-0, we've already tied our win total from last year. We allegedly have a two-game lead in the standings with four games to play. However, the QPD standings haven't been updated since late June. Who knows where we are.

We'll try to make it nine straight next Thursday when we run into DT Tattoo at 9 p.m. at Moorman Main.

Until next week.

Game 7: H-W Demons 16, Waterkotte Construction 8

In the mudpit formerly known as Upper Moorman Park, the H-W Demons continued their quest for their first ever Division V title with a tidy 16-8 victory and a season sweep of the Waterkotte boys.

Just like the last time we faced off, the Demons were in control all game long but couldn't put together the 10-run win.

There were plenty of highlights - both at the dish and on the field. An inspired Kriss Kross (did he get some the night before?) played his best game of the season. He made a diving catch in center field, which may just be the web gem of the season for the Demons. (Of course, he made like a European soccer player in the World Cup after falling down, taking at least a minute to get up, milking the Oscar-award winning performance). He was also spry on the bases, actually running around in the slop and giving it his all.

Kriss Kross must have been inspired by watching his homies (the U.S. Cooler Boyz) fall to 0-for-2007 with a 10-run loss to the Merry Beavers. (Props to roid boy for going oppo field for a dinger during the Cooler Boyz' game. Hopefully, the feds come calling again.)

The Demons scored seven first-inning runs to make sure there would be no doubt about this one. Eric B. led off with an inside-the-park homer. Shawny continued to put on a hitting display never before seen in the Division V ranks. He nailed a three-run dinger in the first and later hit a ball that landed near the new Best Buy later in the game. The H-W's best part-time hire ever, even if he is a Cubs fan.

DOB made his triumphant return after a brief hiatus. He went 1 for 3 with an RBI. His true value was with his glove though. DOB made like Tony Pena behind the plate, snaring a foul pop-up with flawless technique and also tagged a guy out at the plate after taking a BB from Kriss Kross. The guy was only out by about 70 feet. DOB is now 9 for 17 with three runs scored and eight RBI.

No real shenanigans to speak of tonight. The only thing that came close was when Marky Mark hit a pop up between the pitcher and home plate and the pitcher and catcher laid each other out with a brutal collision.

Oh, and Weamster became the first person in the history of Division V softball to actually check his swing on a pitch. Then he went on to counsel others how to hit. Thank you, captain.

We'll try to make it eight in a row next week when we try to take out the winless Cooler Boyz. Game time is 7 p.m. at Wavering.

Until next week.

It's official ...

Only Mother Nature can stop the H-W Demons.

Momma didn't want us to go 7-0 on Thursday night. She knew I wanted to watch the NBA draft ... and then lose my dinner when my Bulls picked Joakim Noah.

Just what the Bulls needed - another big man who is offensively challenged. I haven't been this upset with a draft since we took Dickey Simpkins in the first round.

By the way, we won't have Sprague to kick around any more. Our former teammate has moved on to a sports editor's gig in Pittsfield, Mass. I would like to dedicate this championship season in his honor.

Thoughts?

Game 5: Demons 12, Phil Craig Roofing 2

In a great dust bowl at Upper Moorman, the Demons posted their second straight 10-run victory and moved to 5-0 on the season to stay in first place in the rough and tumble Division V.

The Demons seemed a little flat. Then again playing in a friggin' wind storm with a 50 mile per hour wind blowing straight in at you has a tendency to take the wind out of your sails (ban pun intended.)

The Roofers are another new bunch to Division V. They looked like the had some ballerz, but didn't do much against the Demons. After the Demons plated four in the top of the first, the Roofers countered with two in the bottom of the inning. They were never heard from again as Grape Ape used the wind to his advantage, coaxing pop up after pop up and getting plenty of support from a stingy Demons defense.

The Demons even got a ultra-rare 7-3 double play. It's rare enough a guy gets thrown out at first after the left fielder catches the ball, but Shawny threw a 32-hopper to the bag that got to Big John Studd before the Roofer could get back to the bag.

Unlike the Roofers, the Demons hit line drive after line drive to move runners around. The top of the order was solid as Eric B., Jim Dandy (back after a one-week absence) and Kriss Kross combined to go 8 for 9 with eight runs scored.

Shawny's home run streak came to an end thanks to the wind (and the fact that the Weamster stuck him in the four hole). He was a mere 1 for 3 with one run scored and one RBI. The Weamster, who was a bit nicked up, also reached safely in all three of his at-bats and drove in three runs.

DOB was clearly out of it again. A stud last season, DOB has been ordinary in his third tour of duty with the Demons. He was just 1 for 2 and was doubled off first base on a line drive back to the pitcher. He also forgot the freakin' scorebook. What a dope. He's now hitting 8 for 14 with three runs scored and seven RBI. He may as well hit last as poorly as he's been playing.

The Demons have a well-deserved bye next week to rest up for a big clash with the Merry Beavers on June 21. You'll have to get the Hitman Hart's account from that game because DOB will be on a work-related trip that week. The Demons were 2-0 without DOB in 2006. The way he's been playing, they certainly won't miss him against the Beavers.

Until the 21st. Make sure you get plenty of 12-ounce curls in between now and then.

Game 4: Demons 12, DT Tattoo 10

In the ink vs. ink battle at Moorman Main, the guys who buy theirs by the barrel took part the guys who by theirs by the gallon.

The Tattoo boyz learned a valuable lesson from an old parable:

"Don't get into a pissing contest (or a softball game) with someone who buys ink by the gallon."

The final score was not indicative of the Demons' dominance on a muggy night. We were up 12-5 going into the top of the seventh before giving the Tattooers some false hope before finally sealing the deal.

We had nearly everybody back from last week's hiatus. King Carl was back after kicking it with Kid Rock at the Indy 500. Rob Base returned and the Weamster found his way back from Marblehead. (Let's hope another little Weamster doesn't come bopping along in nine months. After all, Marblehead is a place for loverz.)

The Demons' offense was steady. Shawny is making like Don Mattingly, hitting a homer in every game. He had a two-run shot in the first inning for his third straight game with a dinger.

Your heroes' lead grew to 5-1 after two innings thanks to a well-placed two-run single by DOB down the left-field line. An inning later, Hitman Hart snapped out of his season-long funk with a two-run triple.

The Demons scored in every inning but one to keep the pressure on the Tattoo Boyz, who are a new entry to Division V. (They'll be tougher the next time around, too. They seem to be a formidable squad that was a little off their game.)

The Demons' defense was part spectacular, part crappy. We missed several plays that we should have made. We had a few dropped fly balls and DOB made like a dope and let a ball drop fair that he thought was foul. (The ball was foul. I swear. Young John Schild needs some glasses!!)

DOB made up for the gaffe earlier in the game by successfully getting a Tattooer called out on an appeal play. That nipped a Tattoo rally in the bud and helped the Demons hold an 8-2 lead going into the bottom of the fourth.

Just a word of advice for you cheaters in Division V:

You can't cheat a cheater.

My mantra is "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat." I'll nab you every time.

(Which leads me to an addendum to last week's game post. I failed to mention that Hillary Clinton Rueb cheated his way to a run when he left third base early on a fly ball and scored. Our bench coach at the time, Nick the Quick, totally missed it. Even with Hillary's cheatin' ways, the Cooler Boyz were no match.)

DOB had his worst night of the season at the plate, going 1 for 3 with 3 RBI. We should all be so bad. He's now hitting 7 for 12 with three runs scored and seven RBI.

According to H-W Demons records, Shawny is 11 for 15 with nine runs scored, one 2b, four HR and 12 RBI. He was a mere 3 for 3 on Thursday and finished a triple shy of the cycle.

Now 4-0 on the season, the Demons will try to get to the elusive 5-0 mark next week against Phil Craig Roofing at 6 p.m.at Upper Moorman. The Demons got to the 4-0 mark last season before dropping two. If we're able to raise the roof next week, we'll have a bye week before a crucial showdown with the Merry Beavers.

Until next week.

Game 3: H-W Demons 25, Cooler Boyz 15

As expected, your heroes dominated the Cooler Boyz, but it wasn't as easy as the final score looked.

The Cooler Boyz, who were originally slated to play in Division VI this season but were bumped back up to Division V after the teams from Good Sam, Sunset Home and the Ewing (Mo.) Senior Center had to bow out, put up a valiant fight. They have improved from last year, but were still no match for the mighty Demons.

As was the case last week, The Demons raced out to an early lead only to find putting the finish touches on the game tough. The Demons led 8-1 after one and 14-2 after three. Of course, we had to go and give up seven runs in the fourth and then were one run away from putting the game away in the fifth up 20-11, but couldn't push home the final run.

Oh well, we were able to get in some extra ABs and pump up the averages a bit.

Star of the night for the Demons was Shawny. The former JWCC/QU/HLG baseball star went 3 for 5 with two home runs and seven RBI. As DOB correctly predicted when he went to the plate in the third inning, Shawny opened the deli.

Today's special: Grand Salami.

Shawny took it deep over the left-field fence for his second homer of the day. He also hit a two-run bomb in the first.

How intimidated were the Cooler Boyz of Greg McVey's former whipping boy? With the bases loaded in the fourth inning, the sad guy wearing the Cubs cap on the hill for the Boyz decided not to throw him any strikes and walked him. The first intentional walk in Division V history with the bags juiced.

Speaking of juiced, the Boyz seem a bit juiced themselves. They've made some nice additions during the off-season and actually have a few playas. I've got them winning at least four games this season.

And speaking of juiced, Cooler Boyz star Clinton Rueb must be liking the roids he's on because he went deep. (Of course, he went in the toilet after that blast. He popped out to Marky Mark at second base on his last at-bat and his team rallying. Next time, we'll just serve one up to him on his first try if he's going to stink that bad.)

The Demons certainly didn't stink. DOB is now 1-0 as interim coach. With the Weamster sunning himself in beautiful Marblehead, DOB was in charge. DOB gave up his No. 3 spot in the lineup to Jim Dandy and the move paid off as Jim went 2 for 3 with three runs scored.

Facing his Cooler homeys paid off for Kriss Kross, who went 4 for 5 with three RBI in his best performance of the season in the clean-up spot. Hopefully, he'll do now what he should have prior to Thursday's game and talk a little smack. Let the Cooler Boys know who their bosses are, fool.

Marky Mark (3 for 5 with two RBI) and Nick Nasty (4 for 5 with 3 RBI, including a game-clinching two-run single in the sixth) were also solid.

DOB slid into the 11 spot and delivered like always. He went 2 for 3 with 4 RBI. He's now hitting .667 for the season (6 for 9) with three runs scored and 4 RBI.

With the King Carl missing in action and the Weamster gone, we turned to newcomer Jazzy Jeff on the mound. Jeff was solid in his first outing. The Boyz had just one big inning off of him. He could certainly take the mound again this season. He'll have to work on the fielding though after making like Charlie Brown and screwing himself into the ground while trying to field a grounder.

Shawny also gave us laughs when he tripped over himself while trying to field a ball in left. That's what he gets for using plastic spikes he bought for 25 cents at a yard sale.

At least there were no wedgies.

Hopefully, we'll have more bodies around next week when we look to go 4-0 against DT Tattoo. Game time is 8 p.m. at Moorman Main for all of you Demons groupies.

Until next week.

Game 2: Demons 16, Waterkotte Construction 11

Let me start this one off with a little story.

If you've ever had a cat that wasn't a true pussy, you know what I'm talking about. When we first moved into our palatial estate in Quincy, we had two cats, Holtz (mine, named after the great Notre Dame coach and current lispy ESPN college football analyst) and Janey (my wife's cat).

One day a mouse got into the house and my boy, Holtz, was ready to go. He hunted that sum bitch down and made him his. I walked into the house one day to see him in the kitchen batting away at the barely alive mouse. He was toying with it, patting it to and fro and wondering when to gobble his ass. For Holtz, it was a good time.

That's kind of how Week 2 was for your heroes, The H-W Demons. We jumped on top early, like Asia Carrera in a boy-girl-girl scene. The Demons rattled off 10 straight runs to start the game. King Carl was dealing again, striking out fools left and right. The lead was 13-3 at one point and it looked like the Demons were on their way to their first run-rule win of the young season.

A funny thing happened on the way to the blowout though. We decided to toy around with Waterkotte, letting it stay alive for a while and postponing the inevitable. They eventually got within 14-11 going into the seventh inning when the top of the order delivered two insurance runs that we didn't need anyway.

It would have been nice to put them away early so I could have watched the only half the Bulls played decently in on Thursday in Game 6 against the Pistons (damn you, Rodney and your Rock City thugs). Still, letting them hang around and build up some false hope only served us to get in some extra ABs after a very slow week in the opener.

Other than King Carl's hurling - he struck out two guys looking - Shawny was probably player of the game, even if he isn't much of a prognosticator. Going into the game, he said he was going to go deep twice. The chump only went yard once as part of a 3-for-4, three-run scored effort.

Yours truly kept his average at .667 for the season after another 2 for 3 performance. I also walked once and scored three runs. The entire lineup started to get into the groove after a slow opener.

We even had a moment of comedy when King Carl tripped over first base while running out a single on his first at-bat. Jason Marquis, he ain't, but he's ours and no one's been able to figure out his pitching yet.

It was good to see Rob Base make his season debut after missing week one. A hearty hello to the newest Demon, Jazzy Jeff. I know nothing of him other than he's an Iowa fan. Since we have some Cubs fans on the squad, I guess we can make room for a Hawkeye homer, too.

The Weamster has given me the keys to the team for next week. He's going to be vacationing in Marblehead and can't make the game. So there's a new sheriff in charge just in time for the first of two crucial matchups with the Cooler Boyz. I have no idea what they're doing this year.

Paging, the Rock.

"It doesn't matter what they're doing this year!"

Thanks, Scorpion King.

Still, all the Cooler Boyz need to do is win twice to double their win total from a year ago. Kriss Kross says the Boyz are improved, but what does that really mean? Could they have gotten any worse?

I believe it's a late-night game, so get a nap in if you need to.

Until next week, when we go to 3-0.

Game 1 Report: Demons 4, Uncle Bob's 2

The Quincy Park District Division V season finally got under way May 10 as your heroes managed to open the season with a 4-2 victory over a pesky Uncle Bob's bunch at Upper Moorman.

The MVP of this game, without a doubt, was King Karl. After year on the sideline nursing his pussitis with numerous 12-ounce curls, Grape Ape flashed the form that has made him a slow-pitch legend. Uncle Bob's had no answer for the Demons' savior. With a solid defensive effort behind him, King Karl dominated, dealing like the Texas Dolly himself, Doyle Brunson, against a bunch of old ninnies at a rummy table.

"I was toying with those last two dudes," King Karl said after working out of a seventh-inning jam in which he walked the tying run on base before coaxing the final out of the game.

I couldn't tell you how we scored because A) my kid had to take a dump and I had to take him to the bathroom and B) I wasn't involved in any of the scoring.

The Weamster had enough faith in me to hit me in the 3-hole. I went 2 for 3 with a swinging bunt and a bad hop single, but I'll take it. The offense struggled as a whole. We all seemed to be a little impatient at the plate.

All of the familiar faces were back as well as our new free agent pickup, Jim Dandy. He's our Alfonso Soriano. Too bad he's a Cubs fan.

The shenanigans were few. The unintentional comedy scale will certainly be down a bit without Ed this season. Ironically, the team Ed had intended to play for was up after us. They didn't have room for our old friend, who managed to clear waivers without anyone picking him up.

We'll be back at it again next Thursday, weather permitting. In two weeks, The Weamster's giving me the keys to the car when we have our first meeting with the Cooler Boyz, who are looking to go from worst to first this season.

Rumor has it the Cooler boyz have picked up a few players and went through some internet chat rooms to pick up a teen-ager to play third base for them. I think we should notify Chris Hanson so NBC can get on this. Or at least we may able to get Les Sachs to investigate for us since he's a little closer to home.

Until next week, when we go to 2-0.

QPD against Demons

Not the Quincy Police Department (but if Grape Ape is back on the team as rumored this year, we may see the boyz in blue at some point)!

The Quincy Park District obviously has it out for the Demons. While the rest of the folks that call Division V home will play on Thursday, the Demons are stuck with the bye. It's obvious, the QPD thinks the rest of the league needs a warm-up game before playing the mighty, mighty Demons.

The bye allows Shawny to get done with his baseball season at HLG before coming to carry us to the title. Game 6 of the first round series between the Bulls and Heat is scheduled for our opening night next Thursday. Unlike last year when I was in a heated contract negoitation with the Weamster, I will be there. Weamster has promised that he won't be a tool and keep my awesome bat sunk deep in the order to start this season. As loyal followers know, I made a steady rise up the lineup last season and am looking forward to setting the table for my fellow Demons.

And since six players only showed up for our lone practice (and I had an excused abscense), I fully expect to play a huge part in what's sure to be a glorious, victorious opening night.

It's good to see the Cooler Boyz back in the league. Hopefully, they'll bring beer for us after we whip them.

Feel free to comment on how you think the 2007 season will go for the Demons, the future champs of Division V.

(And will we miss Ed?)