Game 4: Demons 12, DT Tattoo 10

In the ink vs. ink battle at Moorman Main, the guys who buy theirs by the barrel took part the guys who by theirs by the gallon.

The Tattoo boyz learned a valuable lesson from an old parable:

"Don't get into a pissing contest (or a softball game) with someone who buys ink by the gallon."

The final score was not indicative of the Demons' dominance on a muggy night. We were up 12-5 going into the top of the seventh before giving the Tattooers some false hope before finally sealing the deal.

We had nearly everybody back from last week's hiatus. King Carl was back after kicking it with Kid Rock at the Indy 500. Rob Base returned and the Weamster found his way back from Marblehead. (Let's hope another little Weamster doesn't come bopping along in nine months. After all, Marblehead is a place for loverz.)

The Demons' offense was steady. Shawny is making like Don Mattingly, hitting a homer in every game. He had a two-run shot in the first inning for his third straight game with a dinger.

Your heroes' lead grew to 5-1 after two innings thanks to a well-placed two-run single by DOB down the left-field line. An inning later, Hitman Hart snapped out of his season-long funk with a two-run triple.

The Demons scored in every inning but one to keep the pressure on the Tattoo Boyz, who are a new entry to Division V. (They'll be tougher the next time around, too. They seem to be a formidable squad that was a little off their game.)

The Demons' defense was part spectacular, part crappy. We missed several plays that we should have made. We had a few dropped fly balls and DOB made like a dope and let a ball drop fair that he thought was foul. (The ball was foul. I swear. Young John Schild needs some glasses!!)

DOB made up for the gaffe earlier in the game by successfully getting a Tattooer called out on an appeal play. That nipped a Tattoo rally in the bud and helped the Demons hold an 8-2 lead going into the bottom of the fourth.

Just a word of advice for you cheaters in Division V:

You can't cheat a cheater.

My mantra is "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat." I'll nab you every time.

(Which leads me to an addendum to last week's game post. I failed to mention that Hillary Clinton Rueb cheated his way to a run when he left third base early on a fly ball and scored. Our bench coach at the time, Nick the Quick, totally missed it. Even with Hillary's cheatin' ways, the Cooler Boyz were no match.)

DOB had his worst night of the season at the plate, going 1 for 3 with 3 RBI. We should all be so bad. He's now hitting 7 for 12 with three runs scored and seven RBI.

According to H-W Demons records, Shawny is 11 for 15 with nine runs scored, one 2b, four HR and 12 RBI. He was a mere 3 for 3 on Thursday and finished a triple shy of the cycle.

Now 4-0 on the season, the Demons will try to get to the elusive 5-0 mark next week against Phil Craig Roofing at 6 p.m.at Upper Moorman. The Demons got to the 4-0 mark last season before dropping two. If we're able to raise the roof next week, we'll have a bye week before a crucial showdown with the Merry Beavers.

Until next week.

Game 3: H-W Demons 25, Cooler Boyz 15

As expected, your heroes dominated the Cooler Boyz, but it wasn't as easy as the final score looked.

The Cooler Boyz, who were originally slated to play in Division VI this season but were bumped back up to Division V after the teams from Good Sam, Sunset Home and the Ewing (Mo.) Senior Center had to bow out, put up a valiant fight. They have improved from last year, but were still no match for the mighty Demons.

As was the case last week, The Demons raced out to an early lead only to find putting the finish touches on the game tough. The Demons led 8-1 after one and 14-2 after three. Of course, we had to go and give up seven runs in the fourth and then were one run away from putting the game away in the fifth up 20-11, but couldn't push home the final run.

Oh well, we were able to get in some extra ABs and pump up the averages a bit.

Star of the night for the Demons was Shawny. The former JWCC/QU/HLG baseball star went 3 for 5 with two home runs and seven RBI. As DOB correctly predicted when he went to the plate in the third inning, Shawny opened the deli.

Today's special: Grand Salami.

Shawny took it deep over the left-field fence for his second homer of the day. He also hit a two-run bomb in the first.

How intimidated were the Cooler Boyz of Greg McVey's former whipping boy? With the bases loaded in the fourth inning, the sad guy wearing the Cubs cap on the hill for the Boyz decided not to throw him any strikes and walked him. The first intentional walk in Division V history with the bags juiced.

Speaking of juiced, the Boyz seem a bit juiced themselves. They've made some nice additions during the off-season and actually have a few playas. I've got them winning at least four games this season.

And speaking of juiced, Cooler Boyz star Clinton Rueb must be liking the roids he's on because he went deep. (Of course, he went in the toilet after that blast. He popped out to Marky Mark at second base on his last at-bat and his team rallying. Next time, we'll just serve one up to him on his first try if he's going to stink that bad.)

The Demons certainly didn't stink. DOB is now 1-0 as interim coach. With the Weamster sunning himself in beautiful Marblehead, DOB was in charge. DOB gave up his No. 3 spot in the lineup to Jim Dandy and the move paid off as Jim went 2 for 3 with three runs scored.

Facing his Cooler homeys paid off for Kriss Kross, who went 4 for 5 with three RBI in his best performance of the season in the clean-up spot. Hopefully, he'll do now what he should have prior to Thursday's game and talk a little smack. Let the Cooler Boys know who their bosses are, fool.

Marky Mark (3 for 5 with two RBI) and Nick Nasty (4 for 5 with 3 RBI, including a game-clinching two-run single in the sixth) were also solid.

DOB slid into the 11 spot and delivered like always. He went 2 for 3 with 4 RBI. He's now hitting .667 for the season (6 for 9) with three runs scored and 4 RBI.

With the King Carl missing in action and the Weamster gone, we turned to newcomer Jazzy Jeff on the mound. Jeff was solid in his first outing. The Boyz had just one big inning off of him. He could certainly take the mound again this season. He'll have to work on the fielding though after making like Charlie Brown and screwing himself into the ground while trying to field a grounder.

Shawny also gave us laughs when he tripped over himself while trying to field a ball in left. That's what he gets for using plastic spikes he bought for 25 cents at a yard sale.

At least there were no wedgies.

Hopefully, we'll have more bodies around next week when we look to go 4-0 against DT Tattoo. Game time is 8 p.m. at Moorman Main for all of you Demons groupies.

Until next week.

Game 2: Demons 16, Waterkotte Construction 11

Let me start this one off with a little story.

If you've ever had a cat that wasn't a true pussy, you know what I'm talking about. When we first moved into our palatial estate in Quincy, we had two cats, Holtz (mine, named after the great Notre Dame coach and current lispy ESPN college football analyst) and Janey (my wife's cat).

One day a mouse got into the house and my boy, Holtz, was ready to go. He hunted that sum bitch down and made him his. I walked into the house one day to see him in the kitchen batting away at the barely alive mouse. He was toying with it, patting it to and fro and wondering when to gobble his ass. For Holtz, it was a good time.

That's kind of how Week 2 was for your heroes, The H-W Demons. We jumped on top early, like Asia Carrera in a boy-girl-girl scene. The Demons rattled off 10 straight runs to start the game. King Carl was dealing again, striking out fools left and right. The lead was 13-3 at one point and it looked like the Demons were on their way to their first run-rule win of the young season.

A funny thing happened on the way to the blowout though. We decided to toy around with Waterkotte, letting it stay alive for a while and postponing the inevitable. They eventually got within 14-11 going into the seventh inning when the top of the order delivered two insurance runs that we didn't need anyway.

It would have been nice to put them away early so I could have watched the only half the Bulls played decently in on Thursday in Game 6 against the Pistons (damn you, Rodney and your Rock City thugs). Still, letting them hang around and build up some false hope only served us to get in some extra ABs after a very slow week in the opener.

Other than King Carl's hurling - he struck out two guys looking - Shawny was probably player of the game, even if he isn't much of a prognosticator. Going into the game, he said he was going to go deep twice. The chump only went yard once as part of a 3-for-4, three-run scored effort.

Yours truly kept his average at .667 for the season after another 2 for 3 performance. I also walked once and scored three runs. The entire lineup started to get into the groove after a slow opener.

We even had a moment of comedy when King Carl tripped over first base while running out a single on his first at-bat. Jason Marquis, he ain't, but he's ours and no one's been able to figure out his pitching yet.

It was good to see Rob Base make his season debut after missing week one. A hearty hello to the newest Demon, Jazzy Jeff. I know nothing of him other than he's an Iowa fan. Since we have some Cubs fans on the squad, I guess we can make room for a Hawkeye homer, too.

The Weamster has given me the keys to the team for next week. He's going to be vacationing in Marblehead and can't make the game. So there's a new sheriff in charge just in time for the first of two crucial matchups with the Cooler Boyz. I have no idea what they're doing this year.

Paging, the Rock.

"It doesn't matter what they're doing this year!"

Thanks, Scorpion King.

Still, all the Cooler Boyz need to do is win twice to double their win total from a year ago. Kriss Kross says the Boyz are improved, but what does that really mean? Could they have gotten any worse?

I believe it's a late-night game, so get a nap in if you need to.

Until next week, when we go to 3-0.

Game 1 Report: Demons 4, Uncle Bob's 2

The Quincy Park District Division V season finally got under way May 10 as your heroes managed to open the season with a 4-2 victory over a pesky Uncle Bob's bunch at Upper Moorman.

The MVP of this game, without a doubt, was King Karl. After year on the sideline nursing his pussitis with numerous 12-ounce curls, Grape Ape flashed the form that has made him a slow-pitch legend. Uncle Bob's had no answer for the Demons' savior. With a solid defensive effort behind him, King Karl dominated, dealing like the Texas Dolly himself, Doyle Brunson, against a bunch of old ninnies at a rummy table.

"I was toying with those last two dudes," King Karl said after working out of a seventh-inning jam in which he walked the tying run on base before coaxing the final out of the game.

I couldn't tell you how we scored because A) my kid had to take a dump and I had to take him to the bathroom and B) I wasn't involved in any of the scoring.

The Weamster had enough faith in me to hit me in the 3-hole. I went 2 for 3 with a swinging bunt and a bad hop single, but I'll take it. The offense struggled as a whole. We all seemed to be a little impatient at the plate.

All of the familiar faces were back as well as our new free agent pickup, Jim Dandy. He's our Alfonso Soriano. Too bad he's a Cubs fan.

The shenanigans were few. The unintentional comedy scale will certainly be down a bit without Ed this season. Ironically, the team Ed had intended to play for was up after us. They didn't have room for our old friend, who managed to clear waivers without anyone picking him up.

We'll be back at it again next Thursday, weather permitting. In two weeks, The Weamster's giving me the keys to the car when we have our first meeting with the Cooler Boyz, who are looking to go from worst to first this season.

Rumor has it the Cooler boyz have picked up a few players and went through some internet chat rooms to pick up a teen-ager to play third base for them. I think we should notify Chris Hanson so NBC can get on this. Or at least we may able to get Les Sachs to investigate for us since he's a little closer to home.

Until next week, when we go to 2-0.